What is Willpower and Why is it So Difficult?

After prattling on in my previous three articles about sticking to fitness resolutions, I present an excellent article from the TED blog about the science of willpower - how it works and how to choose the right one.

The science of willpower: Kelly McGonigal on why it’s so dang hard to stick to a resolution

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Getting Past Arrested Development: How I Stuck To My Fitness Resolution *And You Can TOO!* Part 3

Falling Off the Wagon

I talked at length in Part 2 about how easy it is to get off track with your workouts and nutrition. Whether it’s for a legitimate reason (injury, illness, the chance to party with Vanilla Ice) or you simply weren’t feeling it, you’ve neglected your plan. It can only take one day, one slip to throw off your whole game, so I can’t stress enough how important it is to stay in control of your schedule.

Even if you are having “one of those days” or something messes up your normal routine, it’s rarely impossible to stay true to the plan. It may just require some creative tweaking. And who couldn’t use a good tweak once in a while?

Let me give you a “for instance”

Problem: Your alarm clock failed to activate/ You hit snooze too many times/ You slept in like a lazy bum and missed your morning workout. No time for breakfast. Egg McMuffin, here I come.

Solution: Get yourself to work or school, or wherever you go during the day. Adapt. Fit that workout in at lunch or in the evening. Plunking down this workout where it doesn’t belong in your routine may mean changing the workout as well. Maybe your weight session at the gym will become a body-weight/cardio session at home. Maybe now it’s a run. But whatever you do, do something. Also, everyone has time to blend up a quick shake for breakfast on the go. But if you did a complete stupid, and have also run out of shake groceries, and you have to pick up something on the go, make it something relatively healthy. Don’t be a dummy.

Problem: You planned an evening workout but were thrown a curveball at work and now there’s no time! You’ll be grabbing McDonald’s on the way home for dinner that you’ll eat hunched over your laptop, crying tears of grease.

Solution: Even if you’ve only got 15 minutes you can throw in a quick circuit or interval cardio session and get back to work. You can whip up a healthy salad in less time than it takes to go through the McDonald’s drive thru, or hey, get one from the McDonald’s drive thru (skip the dressing). If you really, really have no time to spare, try your best to get a good night’s sleep and make this your “rest day” muahaha.

If you had no choice but to skip a day, or two, or three, and that turned into a week, or two, or three, you may be sitting in the dusty trail watching that wagon move on out of sight. So now what? Give up completely? Hells no! You’ve come this far. Most of us falter at some point. And it can actually be good for your body to get a rest from training every once in a while. Some studies suggest it can even improve your results once you get back into training (beast!) mode. Changing your lifestyle for the better is far from easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be an obesity epidemic. Think about it.

Getting Back on the Wagon

You’ve stumbled, fallen, the wagon has left you behind on its way to Happyfittown. Nothing left to do but chase that old cart down and hitch yourself back up. (Thus concludes the use of the rapidly-tiring wagon analogy).

After having started the exciting, exhausting, invigorating journey of changing your lifestyle and working towards a goal, it can be completely depressing to get off track. So many people quit at this point and go back to their old ways. Look at the odds you’re up against, as mentioned in part 1!

On my journey to meeting my fitness goals (losing 25 lbs and being able to run 15km) I fell off the wagon more than once. And as I mentioned this is my first successful fitness plan after years of arrested development. What I’ve learned might seem like common sense, but is much, much easier said than done. Brush all that negativity aside and push through. Regain the determination, revamp your plan if necessary, and get right back out there. If I can, anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can.

The first step is the hardest and you know what that is:
Putting on the runners and heading out to your next sweat session.

Maintenance

If you are following your plan you will notice that after a couple of weeks this magical thing starts happening and your workout routine clicks into a sort of autopilot setting. It will become just part of your typical week and you will put in a lot less time stressing about it and playing the mind manipulation games necessary to get yourself to the gym. This is what I call ‘getting into the zone’.

That is not to say that you won’t have moments where you don’t feel like hitting the gym, but you do it anyway after little thought. If you miss a workout you will easily reschedule it and move on with your day. This is a great place to be but it is also a fragile state. There is the constant danger of meandering off track completely if the pattern is interrupted. Naturally, one must not let that happen.

Keep Yourself Interested

I find a key thing that helped me in this stage was to keep it fresh. I mix up my cardio when it was gets boring. Different cardio activities I alternate between include:

·         Swimming 50 laps in a 25m pool

·         Running 5k outside

·         Running Intervals

·         Hill Sprints

·         Distance Skating

·         Rowing

·         Distance Cycling

·         Interval Cycling

·         Spin Class

·         Step Class

·         Dance Class

·         Elliptical Intervals

·         Circuit Training

·         Skipping Rope

·         Squat jumps

·         Combinations of any of the above

I switch out healthy meals and snacks in my diet to curb the temptation to venture astray – including finding some boss healthy recipes on Pinterest and comparing the calories in my favourite adult beverages on getdrunknotfat.com.

Some of my Go To Snacks Include:

      

Avocado Chocolate Mousse

·         Hummus + Veggies

·         Dark Chocolate

·         Spicy Kale Chips

·         Crispy Minis

·         Apple + Cheddar Cheese

·         Cucumber + Goat Cheese

·         Yogurt + Berries + Low Cal-High Fibre Cereal

·         Baked Apple with Cinnamon + Oats

·         Banana + Peanut Butter Wraps

Dealing With Schedule Changes and Interruptions

Let’s say you are humming right along in ‘the zone’, completing your workouts consistently, eating well, seeing progress and generally feeling awesome when – CLANG – here comes the wrench, that thing that throws your schedule and workout plan into chaos.

Be it a new work or class schedule, vacation, assignment, book club, etc – it can be a lot more damaging to your plan than it sounds. For me, it threw me right off the wagon. Suddenly, with little warning my work schedule went from solid consistency to spastic flip-flopping. Instead of my cozy 8-4’s I was suddenly working evenings, weekends, and making time for evening classes. It was easy for my plan to go by the wayside in the midst of all these changes. Depending on how well you adapt to change in your routine, even the smallest thing can throw off your training and nutrition goals.

Modify

It sounds like simple common-sense but what worked for me was to re-evaluate my week and reposition my workouts within my windows of free time. Suddenly Mondays and Thursdays weren’t going to work for my lower body workouts because I could only get to the gym during peak hours when the equipment I needed had a wait time – something I do not have the patience for. I swapped them out for my upper body days when possible and found alternate exercises for the weeks when I couldn’t accommodate that switch.

This is just an example of one thing I had to modify. For you it might be learning to get up extra early in the morning to fit in a workout, or go for an evening or lunchtime run. Possibilities are endless, but the idea is to be flexible and plan ahead. If I know I have an impossibly busy Saturday coming up, my whole week’s schedule will have to change to allow me to stay on track. The super-intelligent-organized folks among us may even plan contingencies for just such occasions before they occur. I do like a back-up plan.

Taking it Up a Notch

When all goes according to plan and you reach your goal it is indeed time to celebrate this wondrous accomplishment. Against the odds, with a literal buttload of hard work and dedication, overcoming obstacles and just plain doing it - you’ve done it! That is huge and you deserve every good feeling and compliment that comes your way.

Now what?

Resting on your laurels and letting all that hard work go to waste would be a shame. 

Maintenance is option one.

If you are happy with where you are at physically, you may choose to maintain it by continuing to do what you’re doing. However, be careful not to backslide by continuing with the same exercises at the same intensity. Your body may adapt to your workout to the point where it needs to be challenged or you will stop seeing results. Here is a great article about why and when you should vary your routine. If you are getting bored with it, chances are your body is too.

Remember to stay aboard that old wagon. This is a time when it is common for people to regress, especially with diet. You may feel you deserve a break or a treat from your healthy meal plan but this can be a dangerous slippery slope. Reward yourself for your hard work and then get back to eating the best way for your body.

Maybe you have achieved step one in a slew of fitness goals up your sleeve and it is now time to move on to the next item on the agenda.

New goal is option two.

Don’t you feel like a million bucks after what you’ve been able to accomplish? You should! For me, this gives me the confidence to pursue things further. Suddenly running a half marathon doesn’t seem like the impossible, leg-buckling task it once did. You’ve proven that you can push yourself to greatness – now what else is out there that tickles your fancy? Plan it and do it! Just make sure you have that same determination that will get you there. There is a plethora of sites that are excellent sources for finding new workout routines and training plans for things like triathlons, fitness competitions and races.

However, before I tell you that you can do anything and the sky is the limit – please be smart and consult a health professional if you are going to do something extreme like any of the above. Realize that the body does have its limits and they are different for everyone.

Although staying fit and active is not everyone’s idea of a good time, for some (like myself) it becomes the only way to live. After all kinds of false starts and wagon falls, I have finally gotten to the point where I enjoy my time at the gym or wherever my active lifestyle takes me. I met my goal and continue to up the ante. But I will be the first to admit it isn’t always easy. I have had to work through the same challenges and pitfalls that fall on so many of us out there. 

If there is one thing I hope I can give you through these articles, it is the full confidence that you CAN do it. I hope my words can help in some small way to get you there.

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Getting Past Arrested Development: How I Stuck To My Fitness Resolution *And You Can TOO!* Part 2

It’s been a few weeks since Part 1! How is that resolution coming? Have you moved past frustrivation and onto determination, thoughtfully formed a winning plan and written that excellent plan down? Are you having trouble putting it into action? Results don’t happen overnight. Unless you’re on some pretty elaborate Steroids (don’t do Steroids..) Let’s talk about keeping it going for the long run (ohh accidental pun!). Still with me? Let’s do this.

Making it Happen

Putting your plan into action is all about channeling that determination we talked about. All of the things you’d rather be doing than working out are also less important. And they’ll still be there when you are finished your workout. Some things I keep in mind to swing myself into action are:

It’s only 30 minutes. Less if I run faster
Staying on track and getting in a workout doesn’t require 4 hours at the gym. A half hour can be enough. And you don’t even have to go to the gym. If you’re really not feeling your regular routine, grab a bike and hit the trails. Go for a yoga class, or join a friend for a hike. It can be OK to “think outside the plan” as long as you are still heading towards your goal. The point is: do something.

I will regret missing this workout

Not doing it is not worth another hour in bed. It’s just not. That extra time cozy in bed might feel good for a moment but the regret will set in. It will and it’s not pretty. It will lead to self-doubt and frustration – not the motivating kind. The “I can’t do this” kind. When you are a day short in your workout plan you will rue the day you shrugged off a scheduled sweat session. Just don’t.

It’s not that bad
Why do we have so much trouble lacing up our runners and moving our bodies? It feels great during and after. Glorious, some might even say. Your body is meant to be put through its paces and with all of the great options we have to work up a sweat, why do we resist? Once you get there, and get into it, if you’re anything like me you won’t want to stop. Endorphins people! Nature’s opiate! 

It only takes one workout to get off track
This is a lot like the regret thing but with a poignant twist. If you slip once or twice it can very, very, quickly become a habit. And your wonderful plan will be all for naught. Do not let this happen.  Obviously there are going to be times when you will need to miss a planned workout. Illness, injury, last minute dance parties – these things happen! Don’t beat yourself up or shrug it off. Come up with a work-around. Plan ahead to avoid missing a workout if you know you will be travelling or otherwise interrupting your schedule.

Fat Pants
Ever lost a bit of weight, started shrinking out of those regrettable clothes you wore at your heaviest and felt awesome? If so you will know the giddy thrill of owning fat pants. And perhaps you will also be familiar with the evil flip-side of fat pants…growing back into them. There is no worse feeling on God’s Green Earth than losing weight only to gain it back. It’s a total downer and it’s terrible for your self-esteem. Think of your fat pants next time you are tempted to skip the gym for a pub lunch.

Exceptions VS Excuses

I am master of excuses. If there were a doctorate one could achieve for excellence and expertise in the field of excuse-making I would have a shiny certificate framed on my wall. I would be teaching lectures in the finest educational institutions in the English-speaking world. Why limit myself? That’s what translators are for.

If I want to talk myself out of doing something and pluck some sort of justification for it out of the ether, I can do it. But the problem with having this kind of skill is that it is utterly USELESS. Worse than useless it is downright destructive.

We are naturally lazy, pleasure-seeking creatures. Wanting to get out of doing something we don’t find easy or immediately pleasurable is part of our DNA (I am not a scientist). If you are going to be successful at changing your lifestyle and achieve your goals, you need to find a way to override excuses. Shut them down at the source. I’ve already discussed my favourite things to tell myself as a sort of mind-hack to get myself into the gym. You need to find what things hit home for you.

HOWEVER - in this world of bullshit excuses there are a few EXCEPTIONS that need to be heeded. Yes, there are some valid reasons to skip a workout or two.

Injury
Injuries happen, especially when you over-train. If you’ve been injured and your doctor tells you to rest, rest. [That about does it for the painfully obvious portion of the explanation.] If your injury is minor and localized enough, AND your doctor oks it, you may be able to modify your workouts and continue to get your sweat on in a way that will still allow you to properly heal.

Illness
If you are sick, the last thing your body needs is to be put through its paces and use up the last of its remaining desperately depleted resources. Stay at home for the love of kale. Nobody at your gym wants to be assaulted with the germ wave miasma you will leave behind on anything you touch or breathe on. Do us all a favour and skip that workout to get healthy. As soon as you get a clean bill of health – get back in there! Don’t let this temporary setback derail your program. Ease back into it as soon as possible and continue being awesome.

Exhaustion

Maybe your body is having trouble adjusting to all the extra calorie-burning you are doing, or maybe you are really gung-ho and have become addicted to that amazing post-workout high. Either way you are tired. Mind-numbingly, soul-crushingly tired. A change in routine can often mess with your sleep patterns on top of everything. Being absolutely exhausted is a common result of beginning a new lifestyle. We all get a little burned-out sometimes and need a rest. The key is in being able to recognize when you are truly exhausted from life and need a temporary break, and when you are just feeling peaky and not in the mood for a sweat-session. There could be something completely unrelated at work here as well. It would not be unwise to consult a doctor if you experience exhaustion. Get your much-needed rest and get back out there when you are ready.

Crisis
Sometimes things catch us completely off-guard and turn our lives upside down. Emergencies at work, at home, with your family, with your dog – hell if it qualifies as an emergency in any way, it is probably worth missing a workout for. Take the time to deal with it. Nothing is more important than your health – mentally and physically. That being said, sometimes when life is really pooping on your sense of well-being there is no better therapy than a good, sweaty workout. Evaluate and act accordingly.

Feat of Strength
Have you just run a marathon? Competed in the Olympics? Pushed a child through your own birth canal? Your body might need a bit of recovery time from this act of super-human bravado. I suggest consulting a medical professional and taking it easy for a bit. Maybe get a massage.

Once-in-a-Lifetime Opportunity

Let’s have some truth-time. There are times when something truly epic comes along and pushes your regularly scheduled workout to the very bottom of your list of priorities. Along with sticking to a budget, getting to sleep at a decent hour, and drinking responsibly. It has to be unexpected (ergo you could not have planned around it) and it has to be worth it (ie not exfiles re-runs with your roommate). Examples of an unforeseen event just epic enough to skip your workout for include but are not limited to:

* Your favourite celebrity sighted at the pub doing karaoke
* Best friend surprises you with free trip to Fiji
* Impromptu street party with free beer and Pearl Jam
* Monster snowstorm and freshly waxed snowboard

I think you get the idea. Now, you might get a free pass for the event itself but as soon as you sober up and can locate your runners, get ye back to the gym.

Feeding Off Success

Miracle of Miracles! You have done what you should and updated your lifestyle by adopting a reasonably healthy diet and workout regime! You are beginning to see results! Huzzah! That feeling of warmth and accomplishment, boost of confidence and can-do attitude are the delicious fruits of your dedication and labour. Congratulations! You deserve this. I bet you are getting compliments, regular pats on the back and feel absolutely wonderful. Good! Use that! Hold onto it and squeeze it into a pocket-sized ball of magic and ecstasy that you can carry around with you everywhere you go and use it to inspire expanding on your goals and continuing on the road to success.

Alas, you have begun the journey to a new, better, healthier, all-around spicier you. You have learned what in my opinion are the biggest stumbling blocks you could experience and you can employ work-arounds, hacks flat out self-manipulation to get the job done. Get out there and make some magic! 

Tune in next time for Part 3

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Getting Past Arrested Development: How I Stuck to My Fitness Resolution *And You Can TOO!* Part 1

It’s another new year!  Happy 2014! And with the changing of the year, comes the inevitable tidal wave of resolutions. This is the time of year for professing vows of positive change! “I will quit smoking!” “I will save money!” And the always popular “I will lose weight!” The gyms are banking on it.

Making resolutions is a great idea. I am a strong advocate of constant self-improvement. We are none of us close to perfect and it is within our power to do things to make our lives healthier, wealthier, smarter…better! So making a list of resolutions is fabulous  -  in concept.

Time for some real talk. How likely are we to be successful at achieving these goals? For years I kept a diary. Several years in a row I would write a list of my New Year’s Resolutions - things I was motivated to change in my life ranging from “Drink More Water” to “Learn Gaelic”. When I look back through the lists I can count on one hand how many I completed successfully. I did learn to drink more water but it was on my list 2 years in a row.

I looked up New Year’s Resolutions on Wikipedia and I quote:

“A 2007 study by Richard Wiseman University of Bristol involving 3,000 people showed that 88% of those who set New Year resolutions fail,^[7] despite the fact that 52% of the study's participants were confident of success at the beginning.”

Damn that’s depressing.

But I didn’t write this article to make you want to rip up your list and go back to eating Oreos for breakfast. Achieving a resolution, especially a fitness one, is not just a matter of wishing, writing it down and feeling inspired. It’s about reaching a point where you are ready and determined to change your lifestyle. For years my goals were facing Arrested Development. And in the spirit of that genius, gut-busting, glorious show let me tell you how I finally got there.

Determination VS Motivation

One of the genius touches in Arrested Development is the ring of truth in each gleefully satirical, ridiculous character. Most of us can identify with having someone in their life passing off unsubtle criticism as caring advice.

“I don’t criticize you! And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.”

Lucille is always quick to remind Lindsay, what others think of you and your own body image can provide the motivation to prompt you to want to change. But I’ve found that this type of motivation alone is not enough to get my bum in the gym every morning, or launch lasting improvements in my lifestyle. I’ve often felt down and out on myself because of how I think others see me, or how I see myself. Having a tough time buttoning up those once perfect-fitting jeans can create a cocktail of self-loathing and angry-motivation. But frustration-motivation, or frustrivation, (you’re welcome, world) rarely leads to fixing the problem. Negative attitudes don’t create results. Even being “inspired” by seeing others reach their goals and positive motivation will only take you so far. Motivation can be a stepping stone for getting on the right path, but it needs a heavy dose of determination to get you off the ground.

I tried for ages to get myself into a gym routine and on a cleaner diet, and although I had a strong dose of the frustrivation, I just couldn’t stick to my guns. I would easily get discouraged and irrationally justify going back to my old habits. My problem was that although I had some motivation, I just didn’t have the determination.

Motivation is – the reason to act in a certain way; inducement, cause, impetus

Determination is - the act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose

I was in an almost constant state of motivation. Not liking the way I looked and felt, seeing others be strong, healthy and successful - these were everyday experiences. It was enough to get me to turn away sweets some days and go to the gym on occasion. It was enough to make me choose “low fat” products in grocery stores but not to make everyday good decisions, and crucially – not enough to get results.

The real change waited until I found my determination.

How I Got There

To make a long story short, I had been living so long with this unhappiness about my weight that it was affecting my relationship, my social life, my sleep, my energy, and ultimately my health. Long had I had the motivation – now it was time to find the determination. It’s hard for me to help you get there. It’s an Aha moment where you reach a stage beyond frustrivation and the feeling is so strong you are able to make a definitive decision - and that decision lights a fire under your ass that will make you do crazy things like stop what you’re doing, put on some ill-fitting jogging pants and go immediately to the gym. And then keep doing that every day.

End Game

In order for any goal to be successfully met it needs to be measurable. This allows you to concoct a plan, follow through, reassess it and ultimately reach that goal. This is what I learned in Marketing 101. But it holds true. Your resolution might be “I will lose weight” or “I will gain muscle” or “I will run faster” but your goal needs to be “I will lose 10lbs by my sister’s wedding” or “I will gain 10lbs of muscle by the time I leave for Muscle Beach” or “I will be able to run from here to my supersecret bunker in less than 30 seconds before the coming of the Zombie Apocalypse”

So while my desire was to say goodbye to those love-handles, nothing much was happening for me until my end game goal looked more like “lose X lbs by X date”. By making it measurable I was making it easier to track my progress which was super duper good for keeping me on track. Alternatively, it let me know when I needed to tweak my routine when I was stalled.

The Plan

Alright, so I finally had a measurable goal. Surprisingly, (or not, depending on how cynical you are in day to day life) this is where a lot of resolutions come to die. The desire is there, the motivation and the goal, but the plan remains vague, unfulfilled or non-existent.

Again, this is where I had failed many times. A vague plan is hard to realize, so my “plan” to go to the gym “a few times/week” and “eat better” was doomed to fail from the start. A non-plan like this inevitably results in lackluster performance and leaves way to much wiggle-room to slack off. I found myself making gym check-ins once/week, or maybe twice/week or not at all. I was eating a healthy breakfast and lunch and eating pub food for dinner - some weeks doing a lot, others very little. You get the idea. I found – surprise! – just as my goal had to be specific, so did my plan, in order to see any results.

What DID work for me was to do my research, find out what was most practical for me in terms of what I could stick to, and what would get me to my goal. This included scheduled gym sessions and tracking my diet on *Sparkpeople.com. Determination plays a strong part in this.

Then I wrote it down. I kept it with me. It was practically carved in stone.

Now to put this plan in motion.

Stay tuned for part 2 

*Sparkpeople is a wonderful website that provides a meal tracking tool. You can input everything you eat in a day and it gives you a breakdown of how much fat, calories, fibre, protein…etc you are getting. You set goals and get lots of guidance and support along the way. Tracking my diet this way for a few weeks helped me get to know what I actually SHOULD be eating. Highly recommend.

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By phyatt with No comments

Top 10 Most Misunderstood Christmas Song Lyrics

Ah, Christmas carols. Every year the same tunes bless us with their overwhelming presence, getting lodged firmly in our collective brains until sometime mid-July. And though many brave souls have attempted (successfully or not) to add to them over the years with more modern entries, most of the songs you’ll hear this season hark from the days of yore. While tradition is great and everything, not everything stays entrenched in our collective psyches as well as an unbearably catchy ditty. And so it has come to pass that there are a few interesting, often mistaken, commonly misunderstood lyrics in our favourite seasonal melodies. In fact, the situation is so common that there is even a term for misunderstood lyrics. So when you hear your friend hum along about a “proud young virgin” you can call them on their…wait for it… “ mondegreen”.

Santa's tired of this bullshit!

Tis the season to hear Christmas carols everywhere you go, 24hrs a day, for the weeks on end until every shopper drops, bank account drains, and belt pops. Whether you revel in belting out the omnipresent, undeniably catchy tunes from October to January, or cringe at the very jingle of a bell, these songs will be a big part of your life for the next few weeks. Best to get those lyrics nailed down eh?

1. Good King Wenceslas

Pick up thy rolls before I toss ye in yon snowbank

The Confusion: Who was King Wenceslas?

Why do we sing a carol about a King no one has heard of or can pronounce? Just who was this King Wenceslas anyway?

Well, this traditional carol was written in its current form in 1852 by a gentleman named John Jason Neale. The popularity and endurance of the song is owed largely to its catchy melody that was lifted directly from a 13^th century Easter carol (yes Easter carols were a thing) rhapsodizing about the coming of spring.
So Neale decides to write about “King Wenceslas” (can be pronounced Wens-ess-loz or Wensless to make things more confusing) who is based on the historical 10^th century Saint Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia. In life Wenceslaus was a noble, not a king, who was known for being a charitable fellow after several legendary biographies were written after his death. “Good King Wenceslas” was based on the legend that he would awake in the night and bring alms to the poor. He was posthumously elevated to kingly status by the Holy Roman Emperor, Otto I because why not, and declared a saint for good measure.

2. Here WeCome A-Wassailing

Wassailing tip: bring cups or instruments that can be used as cups

The Confusion: How does one go Wassailing?

The simple answer is wassailing = caroling. To go into more detail, wassailing is an ancient tradition most likely dating back to Anglo-Saxon times when people would go door to door singing Christmas carols. The term "wassail" derives from the Saxon toast of "Wæs þu hæl" meaning “Be thou hale” or “Be in good health”. In old middle English this was said "waes hael". In the middle ages wassailing was done on Twelfth Night when peasants would visit their feudal lords and sing in exchange for charitable giving. Perhaps dropping King Wenceslas's name wouldn't hurt.

3 & 4. Jingle Bells

Upsot indeed

The Confusion: Why do Bells on Bobtails ring
Bonus! How does one get Upsot?

Jingle Bells 2^nd verse: The horse was lean and lank 

Misfortune seemed his lot

We got into a drifted bank

And then we got "upsot"

Jingle Bells; what a delightful old carol full of whimsy, getting hammered and falling on your arse. If you’ve ever taken the time to sing and/or take in the full 4 verses of Jingle Bells you’ll know that it is about taking a fast-paced sleigh ride with your lady friend, getting quite drunk in the process, falling down a lot and getting laughed at by passers-by.

The second verse features the above line about driving a malnourished horse into a snow bank and getting "upsot" which is an obscure, olden times past-participle of “upset” AND/OR a popular slang term for being duly inebriated.

Jingle Bells 4^th verse: Just get a bobtailed bay 

Two forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack! you'll take the lead

You may have assumed (rightly so) that a bobtailed bay is a type of horse. Indeed - "Bobtail" refers to the method of tying or cutting the horse’s pony tail so that it doesn't get caught in the harness. A sleigh being pulled through the snow made very little noise so bells would be attached to the harness to avoid collisions with other sleighs at blind intersections. Hence, "bells on bobtails ring". Hope that clears it up for you.

"Two forty as his speed" refers to a mile in 2 minutes 40 seconds while trotting. This is considered an excellent speed, therefore suggesting the horse is of good quality. In case you were wondering.

5. Silent Night

Soon

The Confusion: What's going on with the Virgin? Round young virgin? Proud young virgin?

This is a simple case of olden day language and modern day laziness. The confusion comes from this line:

Silent night, holy night/All is calm, all is bright/'Round yon virgin mother and child.

It means, my friends, that all is calm and all is bright AROUND YON (yonder….ok, yonder: at some distance in the direction indicated) virgin, mother and child (that’s Jesus!). Yes, old English is tricky.

6. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Yum! A steaming pile of figgy pudding!

The Confusion: Tell us about this supposedly delicious 'Figgy Pudding'

Arguably the most fun part to sing in this Christmas carol staple is the verse demanding “figgy pudding” at threat of a sit-in.

O Bring us some figgy pudding

O Bring us some figgy pudding

O Bring us some figgy pudding

And bring it right here

And we won’t go until we’ve got some

We won’t go until we’ve got some

We won’t go until we’ve got some

And bring it right here

Not a good lesson in manners.

Figgy pudding was an early version of the ever-present Christmas cake or Christmas pudding that was flavoured mainly with figs. It can be baked, steamed, boiled or fried and looks just as tasty as the stuff you can break your teeth on every year. Earliest references to figgy pudding date back to 16^th century England. Mmmm figgy.

7. Walking in a Winter Wonderland

I'm legally qualified!

The Confusion: Who on earth is Parson Brown?

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is Parson Brown.

He'll say 'Are You Married?' We'll say 'No man,

but you can do the job while you're in town!'

The explanation for this is simple, really. The characters in the song have built a snowman, pretended it was a traveling clergyman and decided to spontaneously get hitched. Just your average snow day.

When “Walking in aWinter Wonderland” was written, back in 1934, it was common for Protestant ministers to travel from town to town to perform wedding ceremonies and other religious services in rural areas where they did not have a local minister or “parson”, as they were then called. Brown was inserted as a common last name. Thus, Parson Brown, the travelling clergyman made of snow – equipped to declare those crazy kids hitched.

8 & 9. The 12 Days of Christmas

9 and 10 are hosting this year's office party

The Confusion: Why would I want Turtle Doves? Calling Birds? Or a Partridge in a Pear Tree for that matter?

OK, so what gives here? Why would my true love give me all these birds I’d never heard of over a 12 day period?

“The 12 Days of Christmas” has been suggested to be full of symbolism and meaning. I could go on for pages on the significance of all 12 gifts but I’m thinking at this point you've been awfully patient to stay with me this far into the article. Let’s keep it simple and start with the 12 days thing. For the uninitiated, Christmas was traditionally celebrated over a period of 12 days, beginning with Christmas day, Dec 25, and ending on January 7 or “Twelfth Night”, ergo, one gift per day.

So why would someone give me two turtle doves? Turtle doves, a species found in most parts of the world, have evolved to embody devoted love. They form strong pair bonds and have a mournful call that is considered romantic. Crucially, they are featured in the bible, a pair of them being sacrificed for the birth of Jesus. Two turtle doves it is.

These two turtle doves are currently not speaking to each other

That true love of mine also gives me 4 Calling Birds or is it Colly Birds? The original version of the song, written in 1780, features 4 Colly Birds as the fourth. Colly being an archaic way to say black – referring to soot or grime like coal dust. The Colly Bird the song refers to is the common blackbird. Over time “colly birds” has morphed to “calling birds” because that just makes more sense to our modern-time brains.

So what is the significance of a partridge in a pear tree? No one knows.

10. Auld Lang Syne

Friends Forever!

The Confusion: Auld Lang Huh?

With lyrics taken from a poem written on old Scots by legendary Scottish poet Robbie Burns, it’s no wonder this New Year’s Eve favourite is one of the most gleefully misunderstood songs in the Carol books. It could be argued that part of the charm of Auld Lang Syne is the fact that it’s sang with such (often inebriated) gusto.  As people give themselves over to the general sentiment of the song, the words in particular are of little importance. However, for the curious let’s do a bit of translating.

So what/who/where is Auld Lang Syne? The Scots words translate into English literally as “old long since” or as you would say “long, long ago” or “once upon a time”. Alright, that part of the mystery solved, what are we really singing about? Well you might have gotten the feeling, being that the song is sang rather emotionally at the turn of the new year, at funerals and other rites of passage, that the song is about honouring the good old days and remembering  every “auld acquaintance”. Sometimes the sentiment of a song speaks louder than it’s confusing misheard Scottish lyrics.

The main part of the song we sing today goes like this:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

The complete original lyrics and their translations / modifications can be found here: Auld Lang Syne

So raise your glass and impress your acquaintances, young and old, with your now-extensive knowledge of the obscure, archaic and wonderfully misunderstood Christmas Carols we sing today.

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