Showing posts with label Creative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Creative. Show all posts

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Website Copy - Cinnamon Toast New Media

This is web copy that I did for the award-winning design agency, Cinnamon Toast New Media. They wanted fresh, concise copy that evoked not only what they do, but their company culture, passion for their art, and the impact their work would have on a brand.

www.cinnamontoastnewmedia.com

We are not a bakery. We use passion, technology and a strategic approach to take your business to the next level. We nurture and create memorable brands so that everything you do leaves an impression. It's as simple as that.

CULTURE

We remember what our mothers taught us, we play nice and share.
We have an obsession with great style and innovative design.
We maintain a healthy balance between working hard and playing hard.
We are passionate about working with you, not just for you.
We don't take anything lying down, we put up our dukes and tackle a challenge.
We are above average because we need to be, and so do you.

Turn back now
Unless you're ready to take your brand to the next level.
It’s easy to be average. That’s why everyone’s doing it. We do it a little differently.
Connecting your brand to the public is about being more than average. You need to be unforgettable. You need to create a lasting relationship between you and your audience. You can’t do that if you are merely adequate.
We go above average, way above average — we take it to awesome.
It’s what your brand deserves and we won’t settle for less, neither should you.
We take the time to listen to your story so that we can tell it through extraordinary design and outstanding execution, making the connection between business and emotion. We nurture brands, growing business and relationships and matching them with engaging imagery. We’re passionate about working with you, not just for you.
If you haven’t turned back yet you’re on the right path. We love working with people who share our vision for making things extraordinary. If you share our vision of going above and beyond to take it to the next level, we want to work with you. You’re already a head above the rest.
Awesome is just around the corner. Fill out our online questionnaire and let’s get started.

BRONWYN MONDOUX
{ Creative Director }
Bronwyn is the intrepid leader of the Cinnamon Toast team. She is a graduate of Ryerson University with a Bachelor degree in Fine Arts. Bronwyn's exceptional leadership skills and innovative creative vision make her an incredibly valuable asset to the Cinnamon team. Bronwyn is fun-loving and full of surprises, keeping things fresh in the Cinnamon Toast office. She is a driven entrepreneur, a onesie enthusiast, and best of all, a dedicated mom.


ALIX MITCHELL
{ Design Thinker }
Alix Mitchell is one of the valued and talented design experts at Cinnamon Toast. She is a graduate of the revered 3 year graphic design program at Algonquin College. Alix is dedicated to her craft, with advanced technical skills combined with her original creative and mad production skills. Alix is known for her wit, determination and being a virtuoso in the kitchen. When she`s not hard at work for the Cinnamon team, you can find her relaxing on the couch sandwiched between her Rottweilers, Oscar and Skye.

BEVERLY HYATT
{ Design Thinker }
Beverly Hyatt was born a design thinker. Her boundless creativity and eye for design, on top of a deep passion for her art, make her an integral part of the design team at Cinnamon Toast. She is a graduate of the 3 year graphic design program at Algonquin College. Bev has an eye for fashion and interior design and loves discovering new music to jam to. She is infamous for her talents at karaoke and doing the robot. Beverly is inseparable from the love of her life, her cat Tickles.


LAUREN REID
{ Office Superstar }
Lauren Reid is Cinnamon's office super star, a role not to be taken lightly. Lauren is the organizational glue that holds the whole operation together, using her undeniable skills at maintaining schedules, establishing a smooth workflow, and ensuring key deadlines are met. She is known for being the friendly and empathetic voice at the other end of the Cinnamon Toast office phone. An ideal day off for Lauren would include delicious Mexican food, Nanaimo bars and her beloved cat Dexter.

SEAN VINCENT
{ Design Thinker }
Like the other skilled design thinkers at Cinnamon Toast, he is a graduate of the 3 year graphic design program at Algonquin College. Sean has a fresh take on design and an authentic creative outlook, making him an exciting addition to the talent at Cinnamon Toast. Sean appreciates serious style, from Obnoxious Beats to lowered cars, and killer threads. His friends will tell you he's a funny guy and makes a great stir fry. One of Sean's favourite parts of the Cinnamon offices are the furry friends that keep him company while he works.

By phyatt with No comments

Monday, April 30, 2012

Press Releases - Ottawa Folk Festival 2010

MEDIA RELEASES

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


April 2, 2010

Award-winning Folk Rocker Timber Timbre Takes the Stage in Ottawa, April 30

OTTAWA – The Ottawa Folk Festival is thrilled to present critically-acclaimed folk rock act Timber Timbre with opening act ferriswheel, live on stage at the First Baptist Church April 30, 2010.

Timber Timbre, project of core member Taylor Kirk, has garnered praise from fans and critics alike. The power and distinctiveness of Kirk's voice is the driving force of Timber Timbre and it is this power that stops people in their tracks upon hearing his music.

“His spare arrangements left notes and words lingering in the shadows, openly exposed to the listener, but he was able to add bursts of horns and execute tempo changes that hid the fragility of the songs at just the right moments. Basically he was the type of artist that could be playing alone in a bar and stop you dead in your tracks.” Herohill.com

The self-titled third album is suggested to be “the perfect soundtrack for burying someone alive” Adrian Pratt, Exclaim.ca. A combination of Kirk’s dusty voice, haunting lyrics, and understated guitar provides a bold, authentic experience that lingers with the listener. The sophistication of the latest album marks a natural progression for the act.
The album was released on Toronto-based Out of This Spark label in January 2009 and was awarded Eye Weekly’s “Album of the Year”. They have since signed on with Canadian label Arts & Crafts and released the album internationally.

With a rapidly growing fan base and the recognition of his raw, unique talent things are heating up for Timber Timbre. The Ottawa show is a one-night stop and a recent addition to the already hectic touring schedule which takes them overseas, performing their first European dates.

Opening for Timber Timbre will be ferriswheel, the instrumental project by pianist Mathieu Charbonneau (Torngat, The Luyas) and Timber Timbre guitarist Simon Trottier. Their sound, a rare blend of folk, indie rock and classical piano, will be a unique treat for those who come out to see the Timber Timbre show Friday night.

Timber Timbre will be performing at the First Baptist Church on Friday, April 30, 2010 at 8pm. Tickets are $17 in advance or $20 at the door and are available through the Ottawa Folk Festival Office, Ottawa Folklore Centre, CD Warehouse and Vertigo Records.

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For more information contact:


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Famed Ukulele, Cellist Duo to Close Acoustic Wave Series with Performance April 25


OTTAWA – The Ottawa Folk Festival, in partnership with the GTCT, is wrapping up the 2009-10 Acoustic Wave concert series with a fifth and final show at the Irving Greenberg Theatre Centre on April 25, 2010. The show will feature the popular ukulele and cellist duo of James Hill and Anne Davison with Gatineau Hills’ songstress Alise Marlane.

It seems only appropriate to end the annual Acoustic Waves concert series with the unique ukulele/cellist duo of James Hill and Anne Davison, winners of the 2009 Canadian Folk Music Awards’ “Traditional Album of the Year”. No strangers to the Ottawa Folk Festival, this time they are performing on the heels of their CFMA award and amid a flood of praise for their True Love Don’t Weep Tour.

Both artists have gained critical acclaim for their own projects, Hill for his phenomenal work as a ukulele virtuoso, deemed “…the Wayne Gretzky of the ukulele”- Stuart McLean, The Vinyl Café, CBC Radio, and Davison for her multiple projects including spearheading the ‘Armoda’ movement mixing art, music and modern dance.

Two emerging talents, James and Anne first met at university and have since become both personal and musical partners. Together they have formed a rare duo, entertaining audiences internationally with their blend of original and traditional folk music set over Hill’s masterful ukulele, banjo and Davison’s supportive cello. Released in May of 2009, their much-anticipated debut album “True Love Don’t Weep” has been glowingly reviewed by multiple authorities in the folk world.

"Hill is a master of the [ukulele] and Davison is absolutely brilliant on the cello. One of the most enjoyable albums I've heard for ages!" – The Folk Diary

"Essential. True Love Don't Weep feels like a turning point for one of today's finest ukulele virtuosos. Thoughtful, moving and delightful." – Flea Market Music

Opening for the duo is Alise Marlane, jewel of the Gatineau Hills’ music scene and experienced Ottawa Folk Festival performer. Marlane’s distinct jazzy-folk sound has been hailed as the sound of Ottawa, her music a lyrical tribute to love, loss and the beauty of the Gatineau region.

James Hill and Anne Davison will be performing at the Irving Greenberg Theatre Centre on Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 8pm. Tickets are $22 available at the Great Canadian Theatre Company box office.

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By phyatt with No comments

Website Copy - Myo Precision

This is copy I wrote for Myo Precision, a personal training and nutrition program in Ottawa.
Maryse, the owner and lead personal trainer and nutritionist, wanted copy that celebrated their Spring Rejuvenation program, contest and products. The copy was to be informative, highlight the value of the program in terms of what one could get out of participating, as well as the monetary value. It was my mission to introduce the new Qivana Metaboliq System products in a compelling, engaging format.

SPRING FORWARD & Rejuvenate your body
Welcome to the Spring Weight Loss Challenge!
It’s time to unlock the real you. Are you ready to make a small diet change that will allow your body to burn more fat than ever before? Here’s your chance to lose weight, feel amazing, and win a fabulous spring getaway! Spring is here, time to rejuvenate.

Spring Cleaning
If you are one of the many who have been frustrated with low success in dieting and have a hard time losing those last few pounds, this is going to change the game. This spring I invite you to discover Qivana Metaboliq System, a revolutionary new way to maximize your body’s ability to burn fat, naturally. I will be introducing the program this spring for free. Together let’s clean out your closet to make room for your new summer wardrobe.

What is Qivana Metaboliq System?
Qivana Metaboliq System is all about correcting metabolism. This system has been clinically proven and scientifically designed to reset your metabolism and kick-start weight loss. It is the first of its kind. And unlike many other weight-loss programs out there this one is designed to have long-lasting effects. Correcting your metabolism will allow you to burn more fat in everyday life. You will see amazing results that are healthier and sustainable.
Losing so much has never felt so good! Just ask Pam Human, who in 11 months has lost 116 pounds and gone from a size 22 to a size 10 using the Metaboliq System. “I am smaller, stronger, and more active and enegetic than I have ever been in my adult life. Losing this type of weight in less than a year is simply amazing to me,” says Pam, who just finished cleaning out her closet, again!

Why should I Correct my Metabolism?
Correcting your metabolism signals your muscles to burn more fat, faster. Having a faster metabolism allows lean muscles to thrive, not deteriorate, while the weight comes off. You will have more energy, less food cravings, and results that last.

How Does it Work?
The Qivana Metaboliq System incorporates 4 power foods scientifically engineered to set your metabolism on the fat-burning track. These foods contain amino acids and protein that interact with your body, protecting lean muscles, maximizing your body’s ability to burn fat, controlling hunger, and giving you energy.

Delicious Shakes
This is a meal replacement created to be the foundation of the Metaboliq system. The weight loss shakes contain the best fat-burning proteins and are nutritionally balanced to give your body what it needs, kick-starting the metabolism correcting process. Comes in delicious Chocolate and Vanilla!

Protein Power Bar
The protein power bar is a healthy, delicious snack or part of a Metaboliq meal that unlocks the benefits of the system. The bar is low fat, low carb, contains the best fat-burning proteins and amino acids and taste delicious. Baked in a hot oven, the bars provide unmatched taste and quality.

Boost
The boost is exactly that – a boost to your metabolism. Taking the boost capsules regularly can increase your metabolic rate, burn more calories - faster, boost fat loss and reduce your body weight.

Resist & Reduce Cravings
This is the really cool, unique part of the Qivana Metaboliq System. Resist uses a natural, Indian mint to control your sweet tooth. Any time you have a craving for a sugary treat you simply place it on your tongue and allow it to dissolve. This nifty herb is willpower on demand. Take it after meals or any time you feel the urge to indulge in a high calorie sugar treat.
You will see the best results if you incorporate these foods in the right combination with a healthy diet and exercise program, and I can help you with that – FREE
The best part of the spring program – besides your own great results – it’s FREE!
You purchase the Qivana Metaboliq System food and I will guide you along the 90 day program, at no charge. This is your chance to lose the winter weight, get your bathing suit body ready, and create a lasting change that will make you feel great. Your wallet will feel great too. Throughout the 3 months of the program you will only pay for your Qivana Metaboliq power food – that’s less than $10/day! And I’ll take all the guess work out – no ordering, no hassle. All the Qivana products will be sent directly to your home. Meanwhile I’ll be your coach to motivate, support and guide you through the 90 day challenge, all free! How often these days do we get anything for free?

Feeling good about correcting your metabolism? Show what You can do!

SPRING REJUVENATION WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!

On April 15th the challenge begins! Show us that you’ve achieved the best results by the end of the program and you will win a (2 night) accommodation for 2 in a luxury condo at Mont Tremblant. A rejuvenated body and a vacation? Spring is looking fabulous.

My Promise to You
I’m really excited about this spring’s program and weight loss challenge. I know this is going to be a game changer for all of you and you will get the great results you’ve always wanted. Staying on the right track isn’t always easy, so to make sure you stay in it to win it, I’ll be there coaching you throughout the challenge! This is my promise to you.

Here are some extra effective tools you’ll get as part of the Power Circle to support you through the Spring Rejuvenation Weight Loss Challenge:
Starting Every Week Fresh – every Monday, I will share a video to begin exploring
fitness, strength and movement – without the gym!
Weekly articles and posts – EXCLUSIVE information that is important to YOU
My Library – I will share my library, discuss topics and help you get the information you need to reach your health goals

By phyatt with No comments

Website Copy - Body + Mind Massage

This is copy I wrote for Body + Mind Sports Massage Therapy in Ottawa.
Rina, the owner and lead RMT at Body + Mind wanted the copy to convey that they are a clinic that has serious deep tissue massage services, but that the massages offered are also relaxing and beneficial to everyone, not just athletes. The focus was on rejuvenation and connecting the body and the mind.

Home
Welcome to Body +Mind Sports Massage.
At Body + Mind we work to bring the body and mind into harmony by providing relaxing deep tissue massage to decrease stress through the release of tissue. Here relaxation and restoration for the body and mind go hand in hand as you enjoy a deep, corrective massage in a warm, inviting environment.
While we are specialists in deep tissue sports therapy massage we welcome new patients of all ages, athletes or non-athletes, those looking for relief from an injury or those simply looking for a restorative experience.
Deep tissue massage has many outstanding benefits, not only for athletes. The techniques we use can break down old scar tissue, relax tight, knotted muscles, and improve muscle length and stretch allowing for a fuller range of movement and comfort. There is something for everyone at Body + Mind.

About Us

Our Team
At Body + Mind our team of massage therapists consists of three talented and experienced professionals.

Rina McNairn – Owner
RMT and ART trained
Rina is an experienced and passionate massage therapist. She has been working as an RMT for over ten years since she started her professional career at a busy sports clinic in 2001. Since then she has had an incredibly meaningful experience volunteering on 2 medical treks in Nepal where she was constantly looking for new limits and challenges. This life-changing experience inspired her to open her own massage therapy business. Her dream came true in August of 2010 when she opened Body + Mind Massage with the manifest to bring a warm, healing experience to her clients.

Danielle Pratt
RMT and ART trained
Danielle was personally selected by Rina to join her team when opening Body + Mind Massage. Rina knew she was a perfect fit for the down-to-earth, professional environment of Body + Mind Massage from their years working together at a sports clinic.

Dana O’Brien
RMT
Rina and Dana first met when Dana came to her as a client a few years ago. Dana was inspired and encouraged by Rina to become a massage therapist. After Dana’s education and certification the women reconnected and Rina invited her to join the Body + Mind team. Dana is an asset to the Body + Mind team because of the passion and professionalism she brings to her clients.

Our Philosophy
Body + Mind Sports Massage uses a logo that features the Japanese Enso symbol which represents “ a moment when the mind is free to simply let the body/spirit create”. At our clinic we aim to relax the mind by releasing the tissue through deep massage techniques, creating a harmony between the body and mind. This is the basis for our approach to our practice.
We believe that when we relieve the pain, tightness, knots from your body it frees the mind to concentrate on more productive things. That’s why on top of our great massage techniques we provide a warm, inviting atmosphere where you can check your stress at the door. It is our hope that by the time you leave the clinic you will be able to face the world refreshed and balanced.
Services

Massage Experience
Atmosphere
The massage experience begins with a discussion. We want to know all about you and your body before we get to work. If you have injuries, areas of pain, discomfort, or stress we need to know so that we can give you the best massage possible to treat those symptoms. We also need to know if there are any special considerations or needs before we get started. It is a good idea to show up ten minutes early for your appointment so that we can have this discussion before the massage. Our number one priority is to provide a comfortable environment where you can let go and relax.

The massage will take place in a private room with your comfort in mind. Temperature, music, and lighting are all adjustable to ensure you are in the best environment to receive your massage.

Deep Tissue
We offer deep tissue massage using techniques that access muscles below the top muscles. These techniques are focused to relieve severe tension in the muscle and connective tissue. Deep tissue massage is recommended especially to those individuals who are regularly engaged in strenuous physical activity such as athletes, those with chronic pain, and those with physical injuries. But even if you are knotted, stressed or tight from everyday life deep tissue massage will do wonders for you.

The Massage
Once we get started the massage therapist will go slowly and work deeply into tissue to get at those trouble areas using fingertips, hands, knuckles, and sometimes elbows and forearms. Remembering to breath is important, especially deep breathing during tense areas. Communication is also critical during a massage. Let the therapist know when you feel soreness or pain outside of your comfort level. Often during your massage you will alternately experience moments of discomfort and relief.
The day after your massage it is common to feel a bit of muscle soreness but ultimately you will gain range in movement, feel less muscle tension, have less pain and be able to move on with your day feeling restored and energized.

By phyatt with No comments

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Advertorial - My Goodness, My Guinness

If you've ever had the pleasure of a cool dark fresh pint of Guinness. carefully poured and topped with the trademark creamy head, you have lasted a part of history. Though many beer labels are known for their history, you'd be hard-pressed to find a beer with a grander journey than Guinness. Guinness's story, it's legend, is steeped in is 250 year old history in Dublin, Ireland. This beer has inspired true loyalty among is drinkers. It is the most popular alcoholic beverage in Ireland and is famous throughout the world for is taste, appearance, quality and distinction. Guinness has become more than just a beer for is loyal Irish patrons, it has become an iconic symbol for Ireland.

In 1759 Arthur Guinness started brewing his ale at the St. James Gate brewery in Dublin, Ireland where he took out an astonishing 9,000 year lease for 45 British pounds per year. Since then, the St. James Gate brewery has become a historically significant landmark for Ireland. drawing thousands of visitors a year and still operating as a brewery today. Upon visiting the brewery in person, guests are treated to a tour of the history. ingredients and legends of Guinness. Arguably one of the more interesting parts of the tour includes the wall of Guinness bottles down throughout the ages from the very first batch to the current incarnation. You can visibly see the evolution of the branding through packaging and labeling, including the arrival of the iconic Brian Born harp in 1862, now both a symbol of Ireland and of its most beloved export.

The craft of making a perfect draught of beer and the specific way it is to be poured are part of the Guinness dedication to quality. In pubs across Ireland and around the world people watch in baited anticipation as their freshly poured Guinness sets so that they get that immaculate taste.

The history and consistency ofthe Guinness brand has made it what it is today, a beer an entire nation has claimed as is own. A point of pride and a national symbol for 250 years and many more to come. So next time you are in an Irish pub, order up a Guinness and see why it has been around so long.

By phyatt with No comments

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Attack of the Guerrilla

Like most people who live in urban areas I have experienced Guerilla marketing, although in Ottawa it doesn’t seem too abundant to be what I would consider invasive. Most of the Guerilla marketing techniques I’ve experienced in Ottawa were on billboards, transit or the sides of buildings and were more in the category of creative outdoor advertising. When I was visiting New York City, particularly in Time Square, one of the most famous areas for outdoor advertising, I found the ads overwhelming. The P. Diddy ad for Sean Jean is most prevalent. Here the ad world has created a tourist destination for ads. Seeing the latest outdoor and guerilla advertising compete for attention in this area has become a novelty for travellers and is rarely considered negative. It makes me wonder what NYC would look like without the ads. A lot less colourful certainly. And is that a good or bad thing for NYC? I think most of us have accepted it for what it is.

However, the examples of Guerilla marketing found in the video Urban Spam show a different side of it. While some Guerilla ads are amusing and creative, causing positive buzz for the client, others are disruptive, distasteful and inappropriate. I’m talking about the ads that take over entire building sides or have nudity or sexual content in them. These ads are not the greatest image for an unwitting citizen to have to witness, not to mention a child. And we have no control over where, when we see these images. They are crafted to be unavoidable and capture attention, rather than earn it. It isn’t really targeted other than geographically and is it really doing positive things for the brand? Would a mother with her child be attracted to the lingerie ads, or simply appalled that her child had to see them?

In my opinion Guerilla marketing is risky, and should never have become a mainstream way to advertise. If the entire point of it is to do something different and innovative, it will soon be lost in this growing trend. Not to mention the damage it is doing to our cityscapes. That being said if it is done properly, tastefully and cleverly with the right audience reached it is sometimes worth the risk.

By phyatt with No comments

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

State of the Union, Слепой художник, and Time Travellers


In an exercise to get the creative juices flowing I have just written a silly short story involving 5 elements as suggested by some Twitter friends. The 5 things I've included were : A presidential State of the Union address, sheepdogs, blind artists, 5-HT receptors, and time travel. Special thanks to @_finn, @djbarbie and @s0up for their contribution. This story was written over a couple of hours spent in Bridgehead coffee shop. I apologize for likely errors in spelling, grammar, and general coherence.


President Obama's State of the Union Address - remarks as prepared for delivery. The State of the Union takes place at an undisclosed location somewhere in the United States of America on Jan. 25, 2018 at 9:00 p.m. ET.

A sober yet pristine figure approaches the podium. There is very little audience in the plain, nondescript concrete room the president has entered. Video cameras roll broadcasting live worldwide. Obama looks exhausted and ill, but otherwise well-groomed. Wherever the president has been hidden, he has managed to snag his best suits for these situations.

“Tonight’s state of the union address will be an unusual one as our nation’s current circumstances require. This may be my last state of the union address as the end of my second and last term as President of the United States of America nears. However, I will not waste time this evening with eloquence and rhetoric but be as straightforward as possible to get these very important facts to all of the citizens of this great country.”

The president sighs heavily and takes a copious sip of his ice-water.

“As many of you are aware our nation’s safety has been threatened. I have been forced to do the unprecedented and initiate a military state. From the information our military intelligence experts have been able to obtain, our entire nation faces the imminent threat of attack from what appears to be visitors from elsewhere in the universe. Nation to put it plainly, we are facing alien invasion. Currently three fleets of approximately 250 foreign aircrafts have been spotted approaching our atmosphere, positioned at various locations over the United States. At this time satellite images place the unidentified flying objects at locations proportionate to the population of the area, at a distance of 200-500 miles above earth. Our military experts are working closely with intelligence of all kinds worldwide to identify the origin of these crafts, the personnel on board the crafts, and why they are focused only over the United States."

Taking a second deep sip of water, the president momentarily closes his eyes, betraying how weary he is. He sets down his water gingerly and scans the room from camera to camera, as if the entire international audience were in the room with him. He focuses on the central camera with an intense, penetrating gaze.

“Before I continue with the facts of this dire situation I must command the nation to comply with all of the following instructions for your own personal safety and that of their fellow citizens. This nation has never been faced with an invasion of this nature. Every precaution for the preservation of lives must be made as we are unaware of the nature, intentions and danger that the visitors may present to us.  Therefore I have placed the military, police authorities and state officials in charge of securing essential national facilities and preparing resources in the event of a necessary nationwide evacuation. Your cooperation with all US authorities, police, military, etc. is not optional.”

For emphasis President Obama slams a fist down onto the podium. He appears agitated and a bit frightened but maintains an air of great authority.

“Immediate and total compliance is mandatory. Officials have been given presidential decree to use force if necessary to ensure total cooperation occurs. This is not a time to debate or demand civil rights or the rights afforded in the constitution. This is the nation facing the possibility of total annihilation.”

His voice wavers ever so slightly. “We can no longer afford such luxuries.”

President Obama takes a short pause to let his words sink into the consciousness of the public.

“As I previously mentioned United States intelligence is working closely and urgently with many intelligence groups worldwide. At this time I would like to introduce the director of a previously classified group in Russian intelligence. These individuals have generously agreed to come forward and reveal themselves in an effort to give us some understanding of the visitors we are faced with. Director Korishnikov, of the Time Travelling Alliance of Russia.”

A short, bald man in a crisp Armani suit with an inexplicable Hitler-style mustache enters the stage and approaches the podium. President Obama shakes his hand firmly and retreats to the rear right of the stage. Director Korishnikov proceeds to speak in blunt, accented English.

“It may come as some surprise to the people of the western world that in the past several decades time travelling has become no longer fantasy fodder, but a reality. I am the director of an elite group of such travellers specializing in gaining intelligence on government activity in unstable nations, neighbouring dimensions, and even other planets. Our alliance includes fifteen registered travellers. Our highly irregular 5-HT receptors allow us to travel through time and space in a way that no other humans in the history of the world have previously experienced. This unique genetic trait has only been found in the fifteen of us that have come forward in the great nation of Russia. Scientists believe it is an extraordinary leap in human evolution.  This will be shocking news indeed for most of the world, but the classified nature of our organization has been necessary for our protection as well as the protection of the Russian people. We ask that you take this information at face value and with no further explanation at this time as there is no time to do so in this urgent state.”

Director Korishnikov flared his nostrils slightly in an apparent challenge to his viewers. Obviously not a man to be trifled with, Korishnikov made a great facial effort to convey his seriousness and authority. Bugging out his eyes in a stare more bizarre than actually fearsome, he continued his speech.

“Time travel is not a linear science but one where visitors experience the past and the future in this dimension as well as countless parallels. As such it is uncertain which future is set to occur. However we have seen visitors like the ones threatening your country on several occasions of travel and I will tell you what we know about the nature of such beings. To begin, the spacecraft that have been spotted appear to be similar to the Слепой художникA fleets from the planet we call Слепой художник. You must understand that as time travellers we have had the opportunity to study them in limited detail. Due to the nature of time travel we have been unable to bring back a specimen to study more intricately as transferring objects in time seems to be impossible. Furthermore studying them on their home planet has been difficult as it is extremely dangerous for the travellers and we must always remain undetected on our journeys.

The beings from planet Слепой художник resemble humans in body shape, appendages, approximate size and temperature. They are remarkably biologically and genetically similar to us. However they are only semi-intelligent, ignorant, foolhardy and flatulent with a staggering sense of entitlement.  In these ways they resemble Americans. This could be why they have chosen to stage their attack – and we do believe they will attack – over America and America only. After remote study of these beings we have reason to believe they are interested in Earth and have chosen to eliminate the US as an appetizer for the eventual takeover of Planet Earth. They have no fear of us. Unlike Americans they have used time travel to obtain the technology and intelligence to create crafts far advanced to earth vehicles. They have highly advanced weapons and therefore it is likely they will take down your defences and those of the world’s arsenals in a matter of two to three days maximum.  It is the opinion of the Time Travelling Alliance of Russia that if we do not somehow destroy these cretins of outer-spacial-orientation the destruction of not only America, but the entire world will soon occur. The Слепой художник are not free of weakness. They have the disadvantage of the complete lack of sight. The Слепой художник do no ‘see’ visually the way the humans of Planet Earth do but seem to have developed a very sophisticated sense of their surroundings from other means. They do not ‘see’ as we do and as such may be deemed blind. But they have other ways of ‘seeing’.”

President Obama could be seen to visibly reel at this information and Korishnikov’s piecey explanations.

“For example, the Слепой художникs seem to have an affinity for visual art, and it is prevalent on their planet. We do not fully understand this as they have no eye-like organs and seem to experience the art telekinetically. On Planet Слепой художник artists are highly revered and have elevated statuses in society. They use a canine-like species characteristic of American sheep dogs for ease of mobility but this seems to be highly recreational.”

Director Korishnikov took a moment to stare down the cameras and clear his throat before concluding.

“As the ‘world police’ you have been chosen, America, as the staging point for our annihilation. We have no choice but to work together in this matter.”

Director Korishnikov turns and shakes hands once again with a blank-looking President Obama and exits the stage. The camera focuses once more on the nation’s president.

“Nation, we must do everything in our power to retain the structure of our society, culture and nation in the face of this great emergency. Be with you loved ones, obey authority and if you are a time traveller and have any information on the imminent attacks please contact US officials. My gratitude to Director Korishnikov for his staggering information.  At this time I will bid you goodnight, my fellow Americans, and may god have mercy on this great nation.”

By phyatt with 1 comment